‘Game of Thrones’ Power Ranking: Revisiting The Red Wedding

Let’s revisit the most iconic episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ and see if that “wedding” is still “red”, if you know what I mean.

Isn’t this nice? Aw now, this is nice. It’s good to see you. How have you been?

Actually, let’s not do this — you’ve been bad, I’ve been bad, the planet is bad, the economy is bad (is it, I can’t remember), that disease continues to be bad, NFTs are bad, it’s okay! Let’s think about Game of Thrones because why the heck not!

“But Game of Thrones is over,” you might be saying to whoever is sitting next to you (your cat, your defense attorney) and you know what, you’re not wrong about that. It did finish. It finished a while ago! Haha, yep.

But does that mean we should just abandon it? The minute we’re finished with things, do we just pretend they never existed? Are you going to set your copy of Normal People on fire because you’ve already read it? You going to smash your iPhone when ‘Mr. Brightside’ comes on shuffle? Are you going to shove your dog down the garbage disposal when it’s too old to do tricks? You wouldn’t, okay.

Now I’m a little bit older (I’m 18 years older than I was when I last recapped this show) (I know it only ended two years ago, but that’s just the way I age) (I am a medical marvel, in a bad way, they call it Stubbins Disease) I see that finding comfort in the familiar isn’t such a bad thing*. So let’s all forget our agonies just for a moment and have a good time.

I just picked a random episode, I hope it’s interesting, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!!

Winners

Dany (9 points)

Hey, remember Dany? Haha. Dany wins this episode not just because she didn’t die (though that’s an achievement no-one can deny) but because she got herself a new city and all she had to do to win that city was pretend to look at some maps for two to three minutes.

“Khaleesi this is what we call a ‘map’, the squiggles are cities, none of them are King’s Landing, we won’t get there for several seasons, everyone online will get extremely cross at us!”

“Which one is the one where they keep the plot points.”

“HELLO KHALEESI, I AM OLD DAARIO, DON’T GET ATTACHED, I HAVE A WAY TO MAKE THE MAP INTERESTING, LET ME FREE UP MY GRUBBY MITS, ONE SEC.”

“What about this, sexy huh.”

“I love maps now.”

“Oh no why didn’t I try the sexy map trick!!!!!!!”

“I don’t have many lines yet.”

Old Daario (don’t get attached) promises that he can invade this new, non-Westorosi city faster than you can say ‘Hey, is that hottie from Nashville free, no reason’ but Jorah is suspicious because a) Old Daario does very sexy things with maps, and b) Old Daario killed his old work colleagues about five minutes ago. Everyone decides to let Grey Worm have the deciding vote, which I think is unfair given at the point in the show, Grey Worm looks to be about 13 years old.

“Grey Worm is my most experienced, trusted advisor.”

“I don’t care what we do.”

“Thank you Grey Worm, let’s proceed with the mission.”

Dany’s toy boys go and sack the city and fighting ensues, because the other boys don’t want their city to be sacked you see so they yell and wave their pointy sticks in the air.

“Let’s go girls.”

“Wow this Daario is way less threatening, maybe we actually stand a chance!”

“It’s the hair, I think.”
“Heard he had blue hair in the books, that would have been interesting.”

Turns out those guys don’t stand a chance! This fighting scene did go for a while and I must admit that halfway through, my mind did wander to this.

I think it was all the leather. He’s just so talented.

Anyway, Dany is waiting in her tent and is like “um, how long does it take to sack a city, I have many, many episodes of Mare of Eastown to catch up on”. But before she can educate herself on what that show is actually about before she goes to work tomorrow (it’s about a horse who travels east to reunite with her real father, he’s a popstar, you’re welcome) Jorah comes back!

“My Queen, we have won, we have conquered cities in your name, we have spread word of your grace and beauty, we have -”

“Yep, where’s Old Daario?”

“Hey Khaleesi would you like to look at a map.”

“Hey Khaleesi would you like to look at a map.”

Daario returns covered in blood, which is how Dany likes her steaks and her men. (Don’t get attached.)

Jon (8 points)

Well, if it isn’t little Jonny Snow!

“I’m not the star of the show yet.”

Jon is undercover as a Wildling (sorry, Free Folk!!!) which means his days consist of crouching down behind things and having conversations like “should we kill that old man”. The conversation goes a little like this:

“Let’s kill this old man.”
“No.”
“But he’s an old man.”
“He is.”

Everyone is confused.

“Why do you love this old man Jon Snow, are old men gods where you come from.”

They decide they might kill the old man anyway (remember the days where an episode of Game of Thrones was just 2 to 3 conversations and that was it, a single conversation could stretch across several episodes, I tell ya we were really livin’ then!). Then they all run for a very long time on a treeless stretch of grass, which would give even the oldest man on the planet ample time to get away.

“Keep on running lads, almost there.”

“If anyone feels a bit puffed we can all stop and have a rest, okay all good now, let’s keep going lads.”

“Almost there.”

“Arghjhhhh where the bloody hell did you lot come from!!!”

They do end up catching the old man and everyone is a bit grumpy because Jon continues to refuse to kill the old man. (It’s also just very rainy, which would also give me the grumps 100{d6d67865d0c481d6826435c1218909f2de4bf59758ea77e63d9ed3e5a8158a00}.) The Wildlings decide that refusing to kill an old man is a strong indicator that you are still part of the Night’s Watch.

Jon stalls for time – struggling to think of a single good reason he would have for not wanting to kill an old man – so just sort of stares at them individually for a while in the hope that everyone forgets what they were talking about.

“What?”

“What?”

“What?”

“What?”

“Haha, what’s up everybody, have a good night.”

Jon stabs Gareth from The Office and Gareth wargs into a bird with a pointy beak before he dies, then tries to peck Jon’s face to death. Jon gets away! Ygritte is very upset, both that her forever boyfriend has betrayed her by going back to the Night’s Watch and that he was easily overcome by a bird.



“This is…. very humiliating for me.”

Let’s hope Ygritte moves through her ‘Driver’s License’ stage and onto her ‘good 4 u’ stage quickly, am I right!!! 🙂

🙂

Bran (6 points)

You know, revisiting this episode was fantastic because it reminded me that behind every irritating “Ah, I can actually see quite a lot these days” young incel, is a slightly older incel who is even more irritating than his protege.

Welcome back, Jojen Reed.

“I’m just saying, hypothetically, when it came to the Capitol Building [redacted]

“Wow, he’s making some good points.”

At this point in the show Jojen’s main power seems to be being able to predict that there’s going to be a storm about three seconds before the storm begins, which makes him more or less as gifted as a windsock. I don’t advocate violence, but he’s the sort of guy you just want to throw a watermelon at, you know.

Anyway, Bran is a winner this ep because he developed some new sinister powers that definitely won’t turn out to be life-ruining or even life-ending in any way.

Seems okay to me.

Yeah, fine.

“Cool power bro, okay I’m off to play chess now, seeya.”

Edmure (5 points)

This is the episode where Edmure gets married, did I not mention that?

“So I don’t have to be on set again until when!”

Losers

Robb (look, not many points)

Yeah, look.

You know you’re going to have a bad day when even the ceremonial ‘we won’t murder you, promise’ bread and salt looks so dry that your mouth starts squirting out spit just to compensate. My mouth didn’t do that, I’m not gross. I’m just using imagination.

Maybe it’s biscotti.

While everyone is crunching on their biscotti, Robb is like “Hey, I’m just here to apologise, I get it, you get it, let’s move on, let’s all just have a good time” and then Walder Frey makes all of his daughters and granddaughters walk out like it’s a Top Model audition.

“Sorry ladies.”

“That’s okay Robb.”

Walder Frey asks Robb’s wife Talisa to step forward and then he makes several revolting comments about her body, because in this fictional universe, powerful men aren’t held to account for their predatory behaviour.

Man, women in this show must have been furious. Boy, they must have been sick of guys like this not being held to account. I can’t even imagine the absolute anguish and rage they would be experiencing, that guys like that can carry on like that without repercussions. It’s the kind of thing that would make you feel like you were going crazy, like you’re standing in a burning building and no-one else seems to notice and you feel like screaming, ‘HASN’T ANYBODY REALISED WE’RE ON FIRE, WHAT ARE WE ALL DOING!?’

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Robb doesn’t stab Walder because truly he just wants everyone to be friends!

“Can we still be friends though, Walder.”

“WALDER, CAN YOU HEAR ME, CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS.”

Walder says yes and then says “the wine will flow red!” normal stuff to say at a party, I mean who among us hasn’t walked into a party and been like “Hey Terry, nice to see you, the wine will flow red”.

Edmure and his new bride are carried away so they can have sex with each other or something and Talisa is like, “Ah what the fuck is wrong with you all?” and Robb is like “um, it’s funny???? It’s called a joke, Talisa????” but then they make up when they start planning the gender reveal party for their new baby, who they are going to call ‘Ned’ which is fine and not a bad omen at all.

It’s fine!

Can I just say that now I am in my thirties, the Red Wedding has a new significance. I refuse to elaborate.

Catelyn (yeah, you know)

Okay, well everyone is having a swell time at the wedding, which you can tell because they’re all laughing and pointing at things.


A still from the recording of folklore, courtesy of Disney+.

As memory serves, capacity for weddings at this time was restricted to 100 people, so it’s no big deal that all the other Stark soldiers have to wait outside. Catelyn looks at the doors being bolted and is like “that’s strange, oh well” and goes back to being moderately annoyed with everybody and daydreaming. She has a very rich inner life.

“I wonder if Taika, Rita and Tessa really are a throuple.”

Soon The Long Pond Studio Sessions turn dark (evermore?) and Catelyn suspects something is amiss.

Catelyn: “Just tell me, I won’t be mad.”
Roose Bolton: “…”
Catelyn: “I won’t be mad.”
Roose Bolton: *darty eyes*
Catelyn: “Won’t be mad.”



“Mother…”

“…it’s okay, Bodyguard starts soon, this actually works out very well for moi.”

Oh man, everybody is dead, what a debacle, can’t wait to find out who was the mastermind behind this!!!!!

(I’m sorry, it’s very hard to build tension for an episode of television that aired in 2013.)

Arya (1 point)

Bad luck that you weren’t reunited with your family, but also extremely good luck? Wow, I’ve forgotten how to deal with the complexity of this show! They said coming back to recapping would be just like riding a bike – but come to think of it, I don’t know how to ride a bike! (I’m a fish.)

Quite similar to how I leave weddings, tbh.

Death Count

Like you know, heaps. What do you want from me!

WTF, Who Knows

Rickon

Poor Rickon is sent away because it is not safe for adorable babies beyond the wall. Bran decides to send him to the Umbers, who are family friends with the Starks.

Got a feeling that will work out fine!

*This has nothing to do with the fact that I have a book out this week, I’m so sorry. Guys I need this, I have smashed so many iPhones.


Sinead Stubbins is a writer and editor from Melbourne. Her book In My Defence, I Have No Defence is out today.

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